…..Memories are funny little things. They come around when you are least expecting them to intrude, and like the house guests who just wouldn’t leave, they stay. They make your personal space their home and feast on what you call as ‘your mental peace’. They creep inside your closely guarded defenses, cause havoc and leave you vulnerable in their wake. They make you question the decisions you’ve made, they make you ponder on what could have been. In the end, they change you.
I used to believe people change for two reasons. Either they have learnt a lot from their past or been hurt too many a times. I might have been wrong. There might be a third kind. Whenever you fall in love, you change.
Change is tough! It implores you to test unforeseen spaces. You are afraid to fall if you walk, but the rule of the land demands you to run. You have to accept the change, you have to embrace it. You have to forget to remember forgetting. For is it possible to forget someone who has given you so much to remember?
And I still remember everything about you. I remember the tiny sound you make when you disapprove of something. I remember you fretting about what might appear to be the most uninteresting thing in the universe and keep pondering about it. I still can recite the songs which I started listening to just because you liked them. I remember almost everything there is to remember, and more than anything I remember your smile. How I melted in the past whenever you walked past flaunting that smile. How that smile can still melt me as I imagine it in my mind. Sometimes all you need in the world is someone who can make you smile.
Every few days I arrive at this particular junction. I have had partners before and I have had after, but every single one seems as meaningless as the one before and the only thought I have as I get close is to run away. As fast as possible, as far as the imagination stretches. How can I ever learn to let go when I didn’t have a chance to hold you for a while? How can I ever blame you when you never promised anything? How can I ever forget you when I don’t want you to go? The child refuses to grow, the dream refuses to go – can I ever be- comfortably numb?
I knew that you were something special the moment I saw you. I never really wanted to fall for you because in the back of my mind, I knew it was the perfect recipe for disaster. But how can you control something which cannot be tamed? How can you fight something which already knows the exact points you falter at? You were always the magician, and I was under your spell before I knew it. The funny thing about the spell is, it gets me started whenever I wish to end. It brings around the memories. As you know, memories are funny little things. They come around when you are least expecting them to intrude, and like those house guests who just wouldn’t…..
(Fuck me. I am going mad.)