I wasn’t always like this, you know! Looking at the door- hoping for a knock, listening to the sound of the footsteps, wishing, praying that they be yours. I wasn’t always this senile, but you always got out the extremes from me, the whole range of emotions that I thought that I had buried deep inside- top to bottom, dawns to the dusks, you got them all out. When I was with you, I was a man possessed, without, I hoped as fuck to be put under the charm once again. Hoping that you would come around, hoping that you could see me as I saw you, for once, if at all.

You always compared yourself to others, how I was with them. Did you ever stop to wonder the difference in sentiments that I opened up to them? For the world, my range of emotional intelligence ranged from “oh fuck, that is terrible” to “oh faaack, that is absolutely brilliant!”. But you, you got the whole deal- from my tears to the wide ear to ear grins. We went down the lane to my inner sanctum, and what laid bare was my soul to you. We ran through the clouds and the only thing that came out was the rain. And for the life of me, I can never decipher what got lost in translation.

I looked at you, and I saw life. I saw the stars, the sunshine, and all that shit they say that makes one hopeful of the day that’s about to come by. The Sun, as well the Moon, you were the flower that made the world bloom. I was so accustomed to watch your face when you slowly drifted off to sleep, the tiny smile that stretched across your face when I kissed your cheeks and you drifted in your dreams. The soft little hands that I never wanted to let go, and the voice that woke me up each morning just when the night seemed to have taken its toll.  And I fell in love, with this, and all of that- I had promised myself that I will never commit the fallacy again, and you made me break it- so casually, no naturally. You never really had to do anything, you wouldn’t would have said a word, and I would have understood all what you meant. You wouldn’t would have moved a muscle, and I would have been on my knees.

On my knees. Looking up, at that smile. Looking up, into those eyes. Knowing that I belonged there. Knowing, that you knew it too. Knowing, that we might still have a chance. Knowing, that it could all fall apart. Knowing, with our lips entwined and eyes closed, this is a chapter that’ll define our lives from here to afar!

“Oh not another one about me”, she said. “Aren’t you already bored of this muse of yours? Wouldn’t you want to look for some other inspiration? Your writing will become stale, mister!”, she toyed with him in that voice of hers that always used to make him go weak at his knees.
Today, as he looked back to this recent set of memories that came flooding by, he cursed himself one new. Why was he stupid enough not to keep reminding her that she is the one, that she is all the inspiration that he needs in this life.. and some more. Why were his actions so different from what he felt inside? Who was that he was lying to the whole time- whom, but himself?
 
“You know you can share sometimes. Sharing is good, it wouldn’t make you less of a man- how, how difficult is it for you to tell what is going on inside that poker face of yours?”
“Oh it is not that complex of a rocket science, my love. Just look in to my eyes”
Was it really that hard? Why couldn’t he have held her beautiful face at that very moment and planted a kiss that echoed his emotions. Why couldn’t he have cried the tears that he was fighting to hold to show her that he was sorry. Why couldn’t he make her see that the most beautiful thing for him in the world was to see her smile, and knowing that he was the reason behind that smile. That she was the person who made forever seem too short of a time.
 
“How did we end up at this place? We had started so perfectly, we had the world at our feet.”
“I don’t know, princess. You tell me”
Why was retracting to his shell, the best response that he had most of the times? Why couldn’t he admit that it was, after all, his fault that it did not work. Why couldn’t have he explained it then and there that love is all the small little things that they did together, which seemed insignificant to the naked eye, but whenever he looked back, these little moments were the highlights of his life. He had never understood people that very well, and they didn’t understand him that well either- but she has always been the special one, hadn’t she? All he wished from life was his art and to be the creator of his own universe, paint something anew, every single day, and she let him. Little did he know that he would be consumed by the world that he had created for himself and leave everything behind. Including his smile.
 
“What would you do baby, you know, if we ever fall apart?”
“I don’t know, darling. It will take some time, but you know me, I will be alright.”
These damning words! He remembers it as clear as the day he said those words. Did he not realize then what would he miss? It does take to lose something to understand the true importance of it, but the full realization of his naivety killed him to this day.
Each of the moments, a chilling sensation of what was not his; each of the tears, a morose reminder of what could have been.